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I wanted to stab my brain when I found out how ridiculously easy this was. I need a mentor or something so I don't have to learn this stuff the hard way. Anyway, my first shot at a model with a normal map and occlusion map (I did'nt post the occlusion, though).
He's under 700 polys! :D I bet I could have gotten it so much lower than that too, now that I've figured this awfulness out. I can't wait to make more, now. Yay, what a relief to have all that sorted out.